Today my feet will rise against the establishment!
So it's a beautiful day here in New Jersey. The sun is shining. Birds are chirping. The air is fresh... or at least as fresh as Jersey air can get. On a day like this, there's nothing better than taking your girlfriend to the happiest place on Earth.... Cheesecake Factory.
Fuck Disney.
My girlfriend is a vegetarian and there aren't too many places in our area that serve tasty vegetarian dishes. But Cheesecake Factory has one dish that my girlfriend loves...
Evelyn's Favorite Pasta!
Look at that! Now that's just sexy... and delicious... but mostly sexy.
So we head over to Cheesecake factory on this gorgeous day. I order the pizza while my lady orders her pasta as anticipated. Everything was great. The wait staff was friendly. The food looked great. But as I took a bite of my pizza I felt someone tap me on my shoulder...
Me: Huh?
Waiter: Excuse me Sir, but someone complained that your feet are offending them.
Me: I didn't hear that. Can you say that once more?
Waiter: Someone complained that your feet are offending them.
Me: WHAT?!?! Maybe I didn't hear you correctly. Do you mind repeating that once more????
Waiter: Someone complained that your feet are offending them. Would you mind hiding them under the table?
TIME OUT. Before I continue, you should know that, yes, I was wearing sandals... BUT SO WERE HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE RESTAURANT! My girlfriend and I were seated in a booth and I was sitting with my foot underneath my thigh (see diagram below).
Is that so bad?
Now that's sexy... Almost as sexy as Evelyn's Favorite Pasta... Possibly sexier.
TIME IN.
Me: EXCUSE ME??? Did you just call my feet offensive?
(Cue laughter from studio audience)
Waiter: Sir please...
Me: Who said it? Who called my sexy and sometimes delicious feet offensive?!?!
I look around the restaurant and everyone looked absolutely confused. I watched a lot of Columbo in my day and I couldn't quite find a culprit. Why would any of these people tell a waiter to cover my feet. Most of them weren't even looking at us so why....? Wait a minute....
Me: IT WAS YOU! YOU CALLED MY FEET OFFENSIVE!
Waiter: I'm sorry sir. Please sit down.
Me: Holy shit! You think my feet are offensive? You have some nerve!
Waiter: If you could just put them under the table...
Me: Nobody puts Baby under the table!
Big Fat Chef: What's going on here?
Manager: Is there a problem, sir?
Me: Is there a problem? Your waiter called my feet offensive! Who's hiring these people here?
At this point the waiter manages to scurry away to the back. I look around the area only to see shocked customers and waitresses feebly attempting to hide their ever-increasing laughter. I was ready to head after that foot-hating bastard until I felt the manager's hand on my shoulder.
Me: Don't touch me!
Manager: Sir, I'm sorry. I don't know why he would have said this to you. Your dinner is on me!
Me: I'm sorry... I didn't know that free dinners helped with getting my pride back.
Manager: Please, it's on me. Order anything you want.
Me: Your food tastes like bigotry.
Manager: Dessert is on me as well.
Me: Are you stupid? Wrap up my girlfriend's food. I don't even want mine. What's the name of that waiter?
Manager: His name isn't important.
Me: What's his name?!?!?
Waitress: Is he talking about Fred?
Manager: Please... take my card. Next time you come here dinner is on the house.
Oh, now you fucked up, buddy. Doesn't he know this is the age of the Internet? Doesn't he know I have nothing better to do with my time? Well I don't... and I desperately need a hobby. A hobby like taking a dump all over Cheesecake Factory by way of a blog. Thanks, technology!
So here's the manager's card:
And here's Cheesecake Factory's dress code policy:
The Cheesecake Factory is an upscale, casual dining restaurant, so please dress in a manner that is comfortable for you!
And here's my dog:
Normally I wouldn't think about posting anything online about this, but to be honest I've never seen anything like this before in my life. My plan is to get about 10 of my friends and head over to that Cheesecake Factory... all with sandals on. After all, dinner's on the manager.
My fellow people, am I wrong? Are my feet truly that disgusting? Should my toes be sentenced to the confines of socks for the rest of my life? I don't think so, but let me know if I'm wrong. If not... I implore you to go to Cheesecake Factory and wear your sandals proudly. Let them know that we will not be stifled for our fashion beliefs. And while you're at it let them know that their cheesecake is overpriced.
